Youniverse

http://losttheplotagain.doodlekit.com/home

Follow me on Twitter - @PurpleLotus9

The piece below is just my humour, I actually rarely drink, so don't let it put you off... let all the other crap do that.

Currently re-discovering alcohol. I'm a Born-Again-drunk... learning to let Smirnoff back into my life and embrace the all encompassing love of Absinthe. I will be praying tonight, seeing as its sunday and all that, at the Church of the Blessed Mother of Absolut. Feel free to join me for last service, and bring a bottle.


I tried a new shower gel today... it said 'Invigorating and revitalising new scent'. It rather disturbingly smelled like Play-Doh. That would explain why I had more energy as a kid though. Those of you who know me know I suffer with chronic insomnia, so tonight I will be trying out their 'Relax and Unwind' bath soak... with the soothing and calming aroma of Fuzzy-Felt.

Fuzzy-Felt Bath Soak failed to work. I will instead be trying the 'Uplifting and Effervescent Essence of Silly Putty'.

''I'm rather like a kaleidoscope. Interesting and fun for a few brief fleeting moments, but then ultimately useless.'' - Lise.

NEW WEBSITE & BLOG-SITE UNDER CONSTRUCTION...

http://purplelotusonline.blogspot.com/

http://purplelotusonline.doodlekit.com/home

I can smell something.
Now, is it me [not the smell... although it could be. No, I've washed, your'e ok], OR is there an inordinate amount of bullshit about lately? Not to mention bollocks. Oh I despair, I really do. I'm feeling a little discombobulated. I'm of for a little transcendental meditation I think. Or I may just bang my head against the wall instead. The effects are comparable...

I'm at the end of my rope today! I'm starting to lose the plot! Its only a matter of time before I glue feathers to my face and call myself Bernard Longlilly. I was rather 'eccentric' when all this moving palaver started... I am now madder than a Sloth's handbag.

I think I am about to have another mental meltdown... really. My god on a bike, I've had a day from hell today. I have found out that at my new house [moving in date March 1st], that there is no cable, hence my current ISP has to go. Which means, so that I don't lose anything important, or miss any important emails between now and getting my new ISP set up, I have to transport everythingggg, and I mean 'everything', over to a sitting ISP address, so I can store stuff I need... which amounts to about 300 email address's, around 700 emails, all website and blog info has to be changed [address's etc... and then swapped back to the new email addy, when I have it], and all my stuff that is currently stored with my ISP... doesn't sound so bad does it? Until you realise that each email has to be transferred to a new sitting email address individually... it may very well take me the rest of my life, and in the process - bore me to bleeding tears of blood. I am now on the 'final countdown' to moving house... 5 days to go. I just know setting all my wireless network up is going to be hell. I also know that setting up a satellite connection is also going to be 'fun'. Don't even mention the landline for the phone. I've already been told that they're ''working on a problem with the water system, but it should be sorted before you move in''. Its that ''should be''. It doesn't fill me with the utmost confidence if I'm honest. Why did I move here again? And I'm taking that bloody ice tray with me out of the freezer. I mean business. Right, what else can I take...



**So much going on, so much to do... and all I want to do is - everythinggggg! My head is spinning like a crack addled whore in a blender, and I LOVE it. This is my drug of choice... mania. Ha haaaaaa! Love it.


Come and join me on Twitter for a confectionary war... dont forget to bring your Bourbons, Creme Eggs, and Milkyway 5mm's... I'm deady with a semi-automatic Curly-Wurly, so no messing about. Ps... never underestimate the fire power of heat-seeking, guided Wiggly Worms. This is war. [ Twitter - @PurpleLotus9 ]


****Friday 21st Feb... Well, its been an odd week. I attempted to build a cheese igloo, using Cheddar at first, but swiftly moved onto Fribourgeois when the original igloo's roof collapsed. I did try to reinforce the roof of said structure, with breadsticks and twiglets, but alas, there was no saving it. I thought the Fribourgeois would produce something a bit more sturdy, but it too fell at the first hurdle, its dryness failing it somewhat. Onwards and upwards though! I wont be perturbed. I'll try again once I've researched my cheeses a bit more, and found something more suitable and sturdy for roofing. Twiglets are rubbish.
Then there were my Twitterings, or Tweets, if you like. It all started off normal enough, a few Tweets with family, friends, former inmates [just kidding - maybe], and then, well... it all went a bit odd.
Firstly, Stephen Fry started following me. Yes, 'the' Stephen Fry, I kid you not, you can look at Tweets & my Twitter followers, its all there! Then he sent a message to my dogs. But it gets weirder... I had Phil Jupitus [yes, 'the' Phil Jupitus] talking to me in French and asking if he was being 'too familiar'... the word must have spread that I've been let out, and the Tweets came pouring in.
Soon I was conversing with the incredible Stevyn Colgan [who I chat a little with most mornings now whilst he's on the train, or in some coffee shop], we chatted briefly about 'frotting' and 'froteurs' on Tokyo subways, and the growing number of 'Frots' in the world.
I was working on websites, Twittering away, and before I knew it, it was 4am... I sent out a Twitter plea... 'Ok, will somebody please tell me to bugger off to bed'.
Once again the Tweets came pouring in... The Queen, Stevyn Colgan, even the wonderfully talented photographer Sean Johnson joined in and told me ''Bugger off to bed Lise, NOW. SLEEP LISE, SLEEP!''. Bjork - yes, 'the' Bjork is also now following me... I have no clue as to where this will lead. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous.
Its a funny old world. And I thought my cheese igloo was going to be the highlight of my week. Any suggestions for hard but pliable and workable cheese's would be received with my heartfelt thanks.


**@**@** So far today, I have been asked to 'check out' 7 peoples websites, and I've lost count now of how many people's blog pages and 'give my verdict'. I'm very honored and flattered that people care what I think, its really lovely. But I'm slowly running out of time to move house... any offers of coffee and red bull would be greatly appreciated, yes I'll look at your website, yes I'll read your blog, yes I'll proof read for you, and yes I'll correct grammar & spelling mistakes... just pleasssse get me some bloody coffee!! **@**@**


**It has been pointed out to me that I'm being 'imitated' in a few ways on here, well, as the old saying goes - 'Imitation Is The Most Sincere Form Of Flattery'. Really though, you should be a bit more inventive than that. I'm not the greatest person in the world to copy, honestly. And haven't you got anything better to do than watch me all day? Even my pics are being imitated now. Please stop, its flattering, but a tad creepy.**


Whats this?
I have no clue. I have no clue about many things in life... some baffle me, some bore me, but the question 'whats this?' is one that continues to intrigue me, and I still dont know what 'this' is. Confused? Me too.
Told you booze wasn't good for me.


****!!**** I dont know where to start tonight. I've cycled so badly, heavily and fast today, I'm finding it hard to hang onto a thought for more than a nanosecond, I can barely type, think, spell or function. Its heaven and its hell. I love it and I hate it. I love it cos its sheer fucking ecstasy, I hate it cos it almost painful and I cant get a grip on it, it takes over, I cant breathe, and I need it to slow down before I ignite, or melt, its exquisite. Its like the best high youve ever had. Its all consuming, like a full blown orgasm on cocaine, its taking me so high, then so low, then all the way back again. If someone could just hold onto me whilst it runs its course and exits I would be very grateful. To anyone I piss off, I am deeply and eternally sorry, to anyone who loves or even likes me, I am eternally grateful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of my life, no matter how small it may be. Today I have laughed with hysterics, I have cried from just 'being me' and being trapped within myself, I have begged for release, I have begged for it all to stop, I have begged forgiveness from whatever 'force' has built me this way, but I know the only way its ever going to stop.. and I'm not about to go down that road again. Where do I go to for the relief and release I need? What happens when I need another fix of the high I get from being this way, and I cant get it?? What happens when the low comes again? Lets call it quits, before one of us has accidental babies.****!!****


**New website & blog pages under construction... watch these spaces...

http://purplelotusonline.blogspot.com/
http://purplelotusonline.doodlekit.com/home


** Follow me on TWITTER - PurpleLotus9 **

***PHEW... Just back from the Grammy's, wonderful night, outfits were STUNNING. Oops, sorry, typo... should have said 'Granny's'***


Kiss me or kill me,
'Cos I dont really care.
Bore me or thrill me,
But you wont make a mark
Unless you really fulfill me
So, go ahead baby
Kiss me or kill me.
[ © PurpleLotus 2009 ]

''It's a thin line between genius and insanity. Sadly I'm on the wrong side.'' - Lise.

''Lise is - A million tiny fireworks of stupidity...'' [Dont confuse that with me actually BEING stupid though...although I very well may be, hmmm perhaps we'll never knowwwww ]


'' Prejudice and restraint, hate both! I hate being held down, pinned in, talked at, talked down to, bulllied, feeling inadequate, and being expected not to question things... I was a 'problem' kid, and I've turned into a 'problem' adult. '' - Lise.

'' Am I an anarchist? Hell yes, to a point. I think more people should be. More people should question things, feed their brains, BE something - stop following the crowd and do your own thing, we all know what happens to sheep at the end of their day, and its not nice. Question everything, make trouble, piss people off, make yourself heard, be a pain in the arse. It gets things done, and it stops the 'little people' from being trampled on and forgotten about. Am I a lunatic? ... I'm THE lunatic.'' - Lise.


******Sunday -dont know the date, only know its Sunday... I apologise for my new pics. I know its not whats expected of a 40 year old woman, but it's all I have, sorry. Someone has mentioned that in one pic I look like Griff Rhys Jones... fair play I s'pose. I have a new house, I dont care who I look like. I have been informed that no mail is delivered to my new place... instead I will have to 'pick it on up at th'Gas station in town'. What town? There is no bleeding 'town'. I only found the house by following a series of 'tree trunks', 'bends in the road', and a dead skunk. I've also been informed that 'no one will be coming on out here to get 'yer garbage, have t' take it on down the dump'. What effing dump? Where? I've been given a 'map' of the 'garden'. So I can find my way back if I decide to go fishing. Oh thats right, haven't told you... the house is on a lake and a river... so the odds of me being flooded out are increasing, as are the odds of bears popping round for dinner. The area is on the 'salmon run', and I've been told to keep a tin box in the store room, for my 'fireworks'. What HAVE I done. Apparently the bears will smell when the salmon are running, and ermm come running with them. Nice. So now you can have an image of me sitting barefoot on a deck, bottle of gin in one hand, throwing fireworks at approaching bears with the other, whilst casting my shrimp net widely, and hoping to God I don't catch Dengue fever again. I think I'm gonna like it here.*******


*****Ooh, a few people have asked me for some tips on writing... no idea why you'd want to take tips from a bumbling idiotic train wreck like me, but here we go... try to keep to 'short bursts' rather than long winded epics, people tend to get put off when they see reams of toilet paper with random babblings that go on for weeks. I should know. Also, keep exclamation marks to a minimum, people see them and feel yelled at, threatened, scared, even terrified in some cases, haven't you heard of Exclamaphobia? You may even invoke the holy god of mental breakdowns, so please use them sparingly. Lastly, write what you know about, and what you've experienced, and don't try to copy anyone else's style - you're a beautiful individual, let that shine though. Use your own experiences, stories etc, and try to speel propurly. I mean spell properly. Txt spk also pts a lot of ppl off. Avoid it like a rabid dog with its arsehole on fire. Class dismissed. Have fun!*******



VALENTINES... Stuck for a Valentines gift idea? Personally I think a packet of Skips and a Penguin is quite acceptable. Add a Blue Ribband for a touch of passion. Throw in a Minty Yo-Yo, and youre in. What?


I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not equipped to eat muffins. Its as simple as that. I dont like it, but there it is.

**SUNDAY, 8th Feb** - Corrrrr, had a fab day out in the great Canadian wilderness! Its back to feeling refreshed and rethingy-ated for me! Confirmed - bears at new house. Must remember to double bag the toothpaste! Message to all skiers / snowboarders - our slopes are open and the white stuff is deep and fast... phew! I'm still crap at eating muffins, but I did make a very good attempt again today... its a dirty job, but! Practice makes perfect - I'll try again tomorrow.
***The Jonas Bros... each time I see them I fear I will vomit. They have ruined my Sunday & I demand a refund.

I have occasional bouts of deafness, thanks to Menieres Disease... if only it was accompanied by occasional bouts of shut-uppy-ness too, the world would be a quieter place, and you'd all be much happier I'm sure. Sadly for you, thats not gonna happen.
As a result of the above, I am now calling it a night, as I am currently deaf in my right ear and rather off balance... if only it were the result of too much Tanqueray or Bombay Sapphire, I'd be much happier. I'd fall over, but I'd be much, much happier.


I am currently ranting, raving and blogging like a loony and I dont care. Its the privilege of the insane.

Please spare a thought for Stephen Fry... he was stuck in a lift the other day, and continued to Twitter like a trooper. God bless him. [I can now confirm that Stephen has arrived safely in LA after a 'rather pleasant flight'. This season, Stephen can be seen sporting a very fetching 'man-bag'].

My apologies for you having to scroll all the way down through my frantic ranting updates to get to anything thats actually about me... it wasnt like this when I started.. I was saner too. Those were the days.

Well, to save you scrolling.... a quick bit about me - I'm a writing whore, you pay me in some way - I will write for you. There are many methods of payment, sometimes just a 'thank you' will do. If youre really nice. But Tanqueary and custard creams are always nice.

As a kid I found it impossible to join in with make believe games, they just didnt make sense to me, but writing very detailed 'stories' came very easily. I went to school at the age of 4 because I wanted to learn to read, and was reading at 5, and asking for homework - I know, dont even say it. But my brain is 'wired differently' to most peoples, so I make no apologies. I cant stand liars, cheats, bigots, racists, homophobes, ignorance and arrogance. I'm English, but now living in Canada. After leaving school I went on to study English, fine art & design, religion, politics and beer. I probably learned the most in beer class though. I have degrees in design, photography, graphic design, English language and literature, and an honors in alcohol. I am an idiot, a part time comedian, and a full time raving lunatic. The wonderful people at Youniverse describe me as having 'a brilliantly sharp wit', its all a front, I'm really just a gibbering wreck who stumbles from one disaster to the next, finding it rather amusing that I'm actually still alive. But for kind words, I am eternally grateful.
Interests... many. I'm a geek, a music lover, a book addict, a traveller, a photographer and writer, a story teller, a lover of ancient history / myths and legends, a studier of religions, a bit of a hippy, a comic book lover, and a Twitterer. I'm a poison dart frog expert [honestly, i am!], and a chili pepper expert [again, seriously, I am, really!]. I drum, I miss singing harmonies with my brother, and I'm sick of moving house... but I think I'm going to love my new place.
If you'd like to know more or ask me anything, please feel free to message me, I will reply to all [eventually]. Have a great day, and thank you for your time :-]

Your parents warned you about me, and they were half right. I'll lead you astray, get you into trouble, and cause you untold heartache, but hey, I might be worth it - who knows. I'm actually a fairly decent human being though, dont be fooled. Confused? Me too.

Oh and one more thing... always remember that the American word for earth, is 'dirt'. Speaks volumes.


NEW house secured...YES!! Now all I need is for two people to be thrown off 'my' 'planet' and all will be well with the world! And if theyre not thrown off, then I myself will gladly jump just to rid myself of the banal annoyance they bring to my life. Lies, cheating and more lies... with a bit more cheating... intrigued? PM me.

Some people should be totally, utterly and thoroughly ashamed and disgusted with themselves. But seeing as they have no conscience, please allow me... I will be totally, utterly and thoroughly ashamed and disgusted of you on your behalf. Also, some people should NOT be branding themselves as 'writers', when its perfectly clear to all who DO, that theyre not. And now, I am very pissed off.

***PS... ALL of my work is Copy-write, please do not even try it. You WILL be caught, and most probably have your limbs removed via a very large dog with its tail on fire. You have been warned.

Have you ever noticed how the majority of people who have too much to say for themselves say an awful lot without actually saying anything at all? Just blah blah blah, more crap, nothing that means anything, listen-to-me nonsense? Be honest, be real, or pass me the duct tape... suspended in gaffa? How incredibly blissful for all subjected to the endless tirade of what can only be described as 'utter bollocks'.
As for me? Roll on 16th Feb, something is squeezing my skull, but you were good in your time. Good night, and thank you.

˙ʎןǝʇɐuıɟǝp ¿ɥʇnɹʇ ˙sdɐɥɹǝd ¿sǝןppıɹ ¿ǝɹǝɥʇ sı ˙ǝɹıɟ ʇnoɥʇıʍ ǝʞoɯs ou ˙pǝʍoןןoɟ ƃuıǝq ʇou ǝɹnoʎ uɐǝɯ ʇusǝop 'pıouɐɹɐd ǝɹnoʎ ǝsnɔɐǝq ʇsnɾ ¿ʎɐs oʇ ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ǝʌɐɥ ʎןןɐnʇɔɐ ı op ɹo 'uʍopʇןǝɯ ןɐʇuǝɯ ɹǝɥʇouɐ ʇǝʎ ƃuıʌɐɥ ı ɯɐ ˙ɹǝɥʇıǝ ʇuop noʎ ǝdoɥ ı puɐ 'ʇuop ǝuo ɹoɟ ı ˙,sʞɔıɹʇ ɹnoןɹɐd ǝƃɐ ouɥɔǝʇ, ʍǝɟ ɐ ɹoɟ ɯǝɥʇ ʇɔǝdsǝɹ noʎ ʞuıɥʇ ʎǝɥʇ puɐ ˙˙˙ƃuıɥʇou ou ʎǝɥʇ ʇǝʎ 'ןןɐ ʇı ʍouʞ ʎǝɥʇ ʞuıɥʇ ʎǝɥʇ 'sǝʌןǝsɯǝɥʇ dn ʎןןɐʇoʇ ˙qoƃ ɥɔnɯ ooʇ ɥʇıʍ sǝןoɥǝsɹɐ ʇsnɾ ǝɹʎǝɥʇ 'pǝןooɟ ǝq ʇuop ˙ɹǝʌǝןɔ ʎɹǝʌ ǝɹɐ ʎǝɥʇ ʞuıɥʇ oɥʍ ǝɹǝɥ uo ǝןdoǝd ɟo ʇoן ɐ ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ


****** HOUSE UPDATE ****** - new place secured... cant wait! perfect location for writing... now taking offers... will accept payment in pounds, dollars, tanqueray, fine reds, and insults. ******

********** NEWSFLASH **********
*** I dont believe this... Just found out that my house is being pulled down in summer, and I have to look for somewhere else to live. I was told I'd be here for 'upto 4 years'. I guess I overlooked that 'upto 4 years' actually meant '6 months' in Canadian terms.. ??? what the F*** is going onnnn???? I give up with bloody houses!! I'm off to live in the sewers. ***
[Remember Mount Crap? Yes, I do too. I thought I'd reached that particular summit. Obviously not.]

***A quick public announcement - My sincere thanks to Anna & the team here at Youniverse. Thank you for your on-going efforts, support, and for making me sound much more interesting than I probably really am on the Blog page. I'm genuinely honored, thank you xxx***

** TANKS, OWLS, SHIT-HEAPS, AND THE LOCKHEED SR71 SECRET TESTING SITE...** I dont know if you remember... but a long, long time ago [I have no idea when exactly either, I have 'block out's'.] - I mentioned a little bit about my upbringing, well I was chatting earlier today with someone about childhood memories, and it bought to mind one of my favourite parts of my 'earlier years'. I used to love [and I really do mean LOVE] going to the 'shit-tip' with my dad.
Now, for those of you who dont know, the 'shit-tip' is a place a bit like a farm, where gardeners go to get manure. Once we were there, my dad would shovel the manure into our old rickety trailer, and once full we would head off back home... now that part was ok... I enjoyed the car ride, and the place was nice enough - relaxing, quiet, out in the sticks, stunk of horse crap but hey you cant have it all. I also loved the drive home where the crap would fly off the back of the trailer as we drove along too, but my absolute favourite things were firstly 'barrowing' it all down to our allotments, where my dad would fill the wheelbarrow with still warm horse manure, place a plastic bag on the top, and sit me on there, for the bone-crushingly bumpy 'ride' down to the allotment... the next part though, after many many trips on the wheelbarrow, with me hanging on to the sides for dear life, was the absolute best.
My dad would pile up the manure, into a giant heap... the heat from the gasses of the crap would rise up, and I would sit, on my plastic bag, on the 'shit-heap', feeling the warmth on my bum, whilst Dad made a fire. Now came the icing on the cake... a 'faggie stick'.
What? You've never had a faggie stick? You havent lived.
This is how it works... you have a shit-heap to sit on, a garden [or allotment] bonfire, and a stick [preferably about 3 feet long]. You then put the stick in the fire, leave it for a few minutes, then take it out an wave it about in the air... thats a faggie stick. You then 'scrump' an apple [preferably from Mr Baynham's garden after your dad has thrown you over the wall], and shove it on your stick, then roast it in the fire. Bliss! Add a few blackberries in a tupperware cup, smash them up with a stick of rhubarb, and you have the perfect desert. I told you I had an odd upbringing... now all this isnt exactly 'odd' I know, just a bit ermm 'rural', but I think it paves the way for a few other tales of childhood that I obtained over the years... like when my dad took me to erm 'scrump' potatoes, and was attacked by a huge barn owl. Or when we went camping in Scotland, on a whim. We packed the car, all piled in, got to the motorway, my dad asked 'left or right', we picked 'right', and thats how we ended up touring 'round Scotland for weeks.
I know, lots of people go camping in Scotland... but how many do you know, who having pitched their stuff for the night, in the pitch-dark-middle-of-nowhere, were rudely woken at around 3am, by secret testing of the Lockheed SR71 ??
The sight of my Dad shoving my Mom out to find out what was going on will stay with me forever. And ever. Its no wonder I'm disturbed.
Needless to say, we were asked to move on.
Then there's the time my parents built a cabin in the hills, and Dad 'discovered' a 'stash' of old bullets, by chucking a box he hadnt looked in onto the bonfire [blank stare].I was about 6 when I had my first experience of 'running for cover', thanks for that valuable lesson Dad, its come in very handy over the years.
Or the time my Dad hitched a ride on a tank whilst he was in Germany, serving with the Army [He'd been forgotten about at a post he'd been placed at, and left behind]... apparently he was on fire at the time.
See where this is leading?
I swear to you, this is all true.
And sadly? There's more.

If you'd like to hear about my tales of woe at my old house, how I found 'disco lights' in one of my rooms, a drug den operating next door, bullet holes, a swimming pool full of toads and god knows what else, a washing machine with a mind of its own, a furnace that made my life a living hell, why and how I had to wear damp clothes in the middle of winter, and why I was turned into a gibbering wreck literally overnight... read on, or visit here -

http://losttheplotagain.doodlekit.com/home

My new house has none of the above... it has other things. On which I will probably be lamenting rather soon... you cant say you haven't been warned.

I'm finally getting my act together, updating my website, and adding more nonsense, erm I mean blogs.

Come say hi, lets chat a while, fancy a coffee?

I am currently... trying to get used to being a wearer of glasses... see above pic. Its odd. The feeling, not the pic. Although yes, the pic is odd too. I'm in it for a start. What could be odder. But no, the feeling is weird. I feel a little like I'm trapped underwater; or stuck in a wardrobe, peering though the keyhole. I often have a feeling of confusion and 'being on the outside looking in' due to my 'conditions', so I'm kind of used to that, but its still a little scary, and if I stand up to move away from the computer, I do tend to fall over. At least I have something else to blame it on now... besides the gin.
*Omg. I just took them off to go for a wee and I cant see a bleeding thing now. I'm going to have to scoot there on my pc chair. What? TMI?
[Be thankful I said 'wee' and not p... what?? Oh, yeah... curb the language... ok, forgot for a moment there]

Ok.. before you go any further, just so we're both clear on this - I HAVE ASPERGERS Syndrome. Excuse me for shouting, but I have to be honest, I'm getting a tad annoyed at explaining this. So... here it is, on a plate - I have Aspergers, and I'm 'manic depressive', no - I dont want sympathy, thank you very much, and no it really doesnt bother me. I neither see it as an 'affliction', or a 'problem' - the only problem is with people who judge me on it, and the problem is theirs. I am not stupid. I may very well be an idiot, but I'm not stupid! I dont 'blow my own trumpet', be it academically, spiritually, or in ANY other way. If you have a trumpet, go blow it at someone elses place. I'm not impressed by holier-than-thou's, so if youre one of those? Go be holier-than-some-other-poor-sod-who-gives-a-damn. And please... please, please, please... dont judge me. For you know not what you judge. And dont assume that just because of my 'afflictions' that I'm some un-educated arsehole. I'm just an arsehole. Simple as. And if your sense of humour has been surgically removed [this process is usually performed rectally, and involves inserting a very large pole up your arse], then do us both a favour, and dont read any further. And if you do... dont come running to my door with two broken legs, as my gran always said.
Sorry for all the 'arses' Anna - I'll try harder! ;-]

Theres always someone isnt there. Someone waiting with a big pin...
It takes someone like me weeks to get back up after being knocked down, so what happens? You stick your head out, expose yourself [careful, thats not what I meant], wear your creative heart on your sleeve - so to speak- and pop. Out comes the bigggg bloody pin. Why do people assume they know others just by reading something thats been created purely for entertainment purposes? I dont judge people, and it totally pisses me off when I'm judged. You dont know me. I dont know you. You have no idea where I've been, what I've done, what I've seen, or how I got there and back again. I am more than the sum of a webpage. Do I or do i not clearly state that things I say may cause offence? Yes, I think I do. Several times. So then, if something offends you... well, ermmm youve been warned havent you? So...if instead of leaving quietly, taking your pin with you, and closing the door on your way out you then stay, linger, read more, get more annoyed, then feel the need to question me about things - and play holier than thou - when you dont even know the first thing about me, please dont be suprised if my Aspergers takes over and uses your pin to gently point you in the correct direction concerning me. I had the kind of upbringing that taught me the old saying - if you dont have anything nice to say to someone? Dont say anything at all. Its a pity other people werent taught the same basic manners. The world would be a happier, more peaceful place. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. You dont know me. Put down the books, go and actually SEE and experience in the flesh what you preach, walk in another mans shoes, live in the slums of the Third World - HELP PEOPLE. Then you can come to me, and preach. Then will we be equal, and only then shall I listen. And take that effing pin with you. You know where to shove it.


Omg. Flax seed in cereal... discuss. I'm just not sure I've done the right thing in eating that before bed. I am currently trying to stop swearing... I also promise to try to behave.
I do.
Honest.
And I'll try to calm down.
And work more.
And be nicer.
And offend fewer people.
At least till I wake...
I also hereby promise to try to be more productive, and not just sit and witter on about senseless drivel. By the way, one of the above is a lie. I havent decided which one yet though. I'm sure some twat will come along sooner or later and blow one out the water. Its bound to be either the swearing one, or the offending people one... but the two go hand in hand, I swear - it offends someone. So technically that means that two of the above would be a lie. Is 'twat' classed as swearing? I wont remember any of this in the morning.

And before we begin, I'm not Canadian... I'm English. You can tell I'm English by my warm, happy-go-lucky smile in my pic. Well, I'm smiling on the INSIDE. Maybe. And no, I still dont know the Queen.


Block over, productive brain is back in... but I'm still an idiot. Sorry folks.
I'm aware that I've been chucking far too many bumholes, arses, shits, and bollocks about recently, my sincere apologies for this. I shall not swear for a week. I promise. Will some one please re-arrange all my rantings and crap [oops sorry, 'crap' could be taken for a swear word] for me? I think it ought to cropped to be honest. I usually like things in a very neat and tidy order... and this page is just a load of shit crammed together and held there with more shit. Opps. Sorry. Two more shits there. Oh, make it three. Sorry Anna... I'll be good now. Promise! ;-]

Yes, I've finally added a pic of myself. Please feel free to print it off and hang it over your fireplace to keep the children away. Other uses include keeping jehovas witness's from calling, scaring innocent people on halloween, and wiping your arse on... doesnt bother me, I wont be offended, and its your paper and ink. Who's the idiot now? Oh, my hair is much longer now though... so you might want to get a Sharpie out.

And yes. I am still giggling at 'homo milk'. Immature? Me? 'Course I bloody am!

25th Jan 2009... pondering, making juice, catching up on stuff I've had on the back-burner, and generally being baffled by things today... why are some people just hell bent on hurting others? I think they need a good kick up the arse, and my shoes are ready, willing and able! I think I'll just say 'sod it' and fiddle about with my gadgets and techy stuff... hmph. Shaddap. Leave me alone... I'm sulking. Well, ok I'm not but, well I just feel like I dont GET people today... and I cant find Grits anywhere!! I mean what the hell is going onnnnn? What? Yes I'm English. Yes I want Grits. <shrug>. Have I offended anyone yet today... no? Hmmm... oh well, theres still over an hour to go.

23rd Jan, 2009 - Thought for the day...I wonder why that on various 'social' websites, there are a LOT of people who are interesting, have something to say, and have great profiles over which they took some time, thought, and care [unlike me who just babbles on about rubbish]. They never seem to get on the 'MP' boards though do they? Maybe its because they dont sit at the PC clicking, clicking and clicking some more on their own profile, to make their count bigger, hence aiding their own 'popularity' [and indeed, fuelling their own narcissistic,sociopathic ego]? Maybe I'm just a cynical old fart? But I honestly cannot see why SOME sites [not all, you understand - just some!] have this 'problem'. ''Wow theyre on the 'most viewed' list, they must be so interesting... oh... no theyre not. Just a photo of someone [could be ANYONE couldnt it, its the internet after all], and no info... none, thats strange''. Well, no its not strange... clickety click! Maybe they just have nothing better to do... oh I dont know, all I DO know is that there are some fantastic REAL people out there, go seek them out!! It'll be far more rewarding [and interesting] than giving an already over-inflated ego another boost it doesnt need...
And if that aids me getting booted off the so called 'popular lists' around the www.... well thats just fine with me! I'm not part of the 'look-at-me,-I-am-the-most-amazing,-interesting-pe rson-you-will-ever-meet,-I-am-unique,-and-fabulous -and-everyyyyybody-loves-me,-cos-I'm-kind,-caring, -perfect,-I-dont-eat-animals,-I-never-miss-church [oh please]-and-all-my-friends-say-I'm-the-wittiest-an d-funniest-person-everrrrr - oh-and-my-boobs-are-perfect-too!-Arent-I-lucky!-Do nt-you-wish-you-were-me!'' brigade, THANK F***! And if I ever get that way? YOU, any of you, have MY permission to shoot me... in the face. Cynical? You effing bet I am. Rant over... I feel so much better now. No, no I dont. We're all just kidding ourselves. Arent we? Or should that be 'killing ourselves'?
If I've offended anyone, I apologise - its my Aspergers - honest. And if I havent? Stick around...

'Popularity', 'fame', 'celebrity' - they should be earned, not bought, given lightly, or awarded to ourselves because we think we're something we're not. You want to be popular? Want to be a 'celeb'? Go and bloody do something to earn it.

Before you read any futher, you need to be made aware of one very vital fact about me -
I'm an idiot.
No, seriously, I really am.
Ok, carry on, and the very best of luck...

Hello one and all!
Its been a while, so I thought that - just for fun - I'd have some kind of mental blow out. Not a breakdown as such... I've had a few of those, and needed something less, but equally effective. So, I let everything get to me for a few months, including things I can do nothing whatsoever about - and then BOOM. Well ok, maybe it wasnt so much of a boom, as as 'pphhhttttt', but you get the general idea.
Now, I'll admit, I've been dragging my arse with my replies, with email, my websites... phone calls, texts, my life... all have been let to sit on the backburner whilst I just 'stopped' for a while. Everything just got 'too much' - colours, details, sounds, I havent wanted to see anything, hear anything, touch anything. I've had a total sensory overload, from which I am now in recovery. I am chipping slowly away at the mountain which has accumulated whilst my back was turned, and steadily making progress. Things have happened since I've been 'gone'. By gone I mean totally GONE. I feel like I have woke up today for the first time in a few months, and what I have discovered is a bit of a shock - Christmas has come and gone. As has New Year. Its 2009 and I hadnt even realised it to be honest. Also, I have turned 40.Oh and I have another dog. And another 'label'. All this has just 'happened' to me, I had no part in any of it! Its just spiralled along without so much as a 'by or leave', 'would you kindly', or 'do you mind if I dont'. So, my advice? Well, I dont have any. Its as simple as that. The best you can do in life is let the train run on its own tracks, in its own time, and if it derails? Wait till its back upright and running again, and say what I always find helpful in such situations - 'Ah bollocks to it all'.
Om Shanti.

I'm tired of labels. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of not understanding anything.
Tired of being a train wreck. Tired of explaining myself to no one in particular or to everyone and then getting nowhere anyway. Whats the effing point. There isnt one. There is NO point, no plan, no grand scheme, no god, no satan, nor heaven nor hell just this constant lingering, taunting, nagging bullshit that is 'life'. But its not 'life' is it? Its an imitation of life, and a bloody poor one at that. Constant, on going, mind numbing, head cracking, circles, spirals, more circles, days of endless crying and trying to find a way to just 'be' when there just isnt one. Does anybody hear me? Can anybody hear me? Or are you all just another version of me locked in another version of hell. Your own hell. Or maybe I'm your hell and your just locked inside me. Ever thought about that? And if thats the case, then who's hell am I in? But hell doesnt exist. Or does it? Oh who cares anyhow. Its all a load of crap.

Well, after a couple of months of being offline due to a bout of depression, insomnia, and my PC deciding to die a thousand deaths - I'm back.
I've also been busy building some websites, writing some reviews, and generally pissing about lol mainly with geeky techy stuff. I am also now a convert - I have switched sides and become a Mac addict. I know, I know... but I need my computer to be fast, reliable, work lol and not be a neurotic, lame, fragile wreck each time I use it. The MacBook does it with ease, style, and joy! Want to know more? Read my boring review that will numb your brain, but maybe also make you think '' hmmmm... I'd like to try one too!''. You never know... well, you dont do you.
What else have I been upto... I have another dog. Its been my first Christmas away from my family. I'm going to build a newer, better website that hopefully everyone can view... And I have some new techy gadgets. I've been testing out the FLIP Video CamCorder... simple, stylish, and so easy to use that your gran could make movies and upload them to a computer whilst baking a cherry sponge cake and making some Earl Grey tea!
Also - many, many thanks for all the messages I've recieved whilst I've been away, they really do mean a lot to me, and I will reply to all of them - yep, ALL of them! Thanks guys, you really are truly wonderful people, and I send you my love, hugs, and very best wishes xxxx

MacBook Review - http://losttheplotagain.doodlekit.com/blog/entry/5 0041/macbook-review-

HAVE A GREAT 2009 EVERYONE!!!


Currently very annoyed with myself, not liking my own company, and not wishing to put others through my crappy moods... I was expecting a bit of a high to be around the corner, and was totally pissed off when my 'high' wasnt a high after all, but an all time awful bloody low. If only I'd seen the corner coming, maybe I could have avoided it, but like the idiot I really am, I rushed headfirst into that fast approaching corner, with all the enthusiasm of a puppy welcoming home its new parents with armfuls of new toys and treats, and hit a huge effing brick wall. With my face slammed firmly against said wall, I slumped to the ground, feeling cheated... where is my high? Ive had the lows... several to be honest, and I'm owed a high! I'm owed a time of fun, wit, humour, and belly laughs... I'm owed a speedy time of producing and being 'fun' to be with... I'm owed a time where I dont have to think, where my head is switched to 'cruise control', where things arent so bloody hard all the time. I'm owed it, surely? Yet I get another un-interested, un-productive, un-inspired, un-motivated, and totally shitty low where eveything just feels like its 'too much'... its 'too much' to keep in touch with people, its 'too much' to learn how new things work, its 'too much' to think, its 'too much' to figure out how the effing wires go back into my pc after moving it. Noise is 'too much'. Colour is 'too much'. I'M too bloody much and I hate me. I hate spending time ith me, I hate seing me in the mirror, I hate that I'm failing people, I hate that I may be making people feel left out, abandoned, ignored, because I really dont mean to... I'm just a big heap of nothingness, shutdown-ness, uselessness, and I'm sorry... but it does mean that I will be back to being a pain in everyones arse very soon too... just as soon as I can stand to be with myself and THINK again... I hope it comes soon.



UPDATE **** Well... Anna and her team have made such an excellent job of revamping the site - I can hardly bear it. Such beauty a fruitloop like me has NEVER seen before! <Unless of course you count the sunrise over Machu Picchu... oh or the rainforests of Borneo, the Amazon at sunset, the Nasca Lines... well ok there might be a fewwww things, but - and its a BIG but! - the site IS now stunning!> I doff my cap in your general direction!****

The sunset photo was taken just a few nights ago here, I tried with all my might to upload a few more, including sadly one of myself - you will be pleased to know these pictures did NOT upload cos they were too big... you have had what can only be described as 'a very lucky escape, mate!'.
All my pics are Copyright © 2000-2008, if you would like to use them anytime, please ask first, many thanks :-]
{not that there are many right now to use but I'm sure the Youniverse team will work on it!}

Right, before we start, yes I am English... and no, I dont know the Queen.

I have a touch of OCD.. I say 'a touch'... so far today I have showered three times, washed my hair four, cleaned the bathroom three times - obviously, cleaned the floors twice, and scrubbed my hands countless times... although I have now stopped using bleach to do this... I have also today been called 'a maniac' {tell me something I DONT know}, 'anally retentive' {See comment in previous brackets}, and 'obsessive with that effing kitchen' - blank stare. Just a normal day really... So it would seem that I am an anally retentive obsessive maniac... if only I could have thought of a witty and scathing retort eh?
Oh come on, you just know I did.
And countless journeys to the mailbox have been fruitless. I must have been down there today 12 times, and all I got was the free local paper, and an empty bottle of Sprite that someone had 'lovingly' left for me. Thanks, whoever you are. I must remember to pop over to your house sometime... and repay the kindness! Little gits.

My new house is straight from the Blair Witch Project... I thought '' oh yessssss at last!!! A new house... with water! And a cooker!''. I wasnt expecting this... when the kids come round to 'trick or treat' at Halloween, they will be expecting some mad old fart with a pick axe, smelling of rancid cat piss to come staggering out with a bottle of gin swinging merrily at her hip... they'll be half right, at least.

I have occasional bouts of deafness, thanks to Menieres Disease... if only it was accompanied by occasional bouts of shut-uppy-ness too, the world would be a quieter place, and you'd all be much happier I'm sure. Sadly for you, thats not gonna happen.

I can be quite rude, as in 'dirty' - its best not to encourage me. If you DO encourage me, depending on my mood I will either - 1. be a filthy swine and make you blush like a virgin at a whoring party, or 2. blush terribly myself and not be able to make eye contact with you for many hours. You never know what youre gonna get, sorry. I dont do guarantees.

I havent had much sleep... so I'm not very alert to tell you of my latest exploit - which has seen me turn into a thief - totally by accident. Once I am awake I will explain and let you judge whether I should, or shouldnt burn in hell for a very, very long time... my 'mishap' involves a sofa, a microwave oven, a book, the devil and the church... Dont ask how I get into these predicaments cos between you and I - I just dont know.
If its not one thing - its your mother.

You know when you go away for a holiday, and get home to find that in your absence, your parents have visited, and 're-arranged' all your furniture, to make things 'better'?
Well... WTF has been going on here!? I've been gone for just over a week, I get back, and I'm having to scroll for milessssss and milesssssss to find anything on YOUNIVERSE! Whats going on? Its like trying to find the sea at Great Yarmouth... you can pack your sandwiches, cos you KNOW its going to be a long hike - but NOTHING prepares you for the journey, On and on and on... and bugger all! Then, when you least expect it, when you THINK 'oh... there's nothing else here, ok, I'll go home then.', there it is... and its STILL 500 bloody miles away! But its there, as a speck in the distance that gives you a LITTLE hope at least, and you sigh indignantly... well, thats what this site is like now! It took me half an hour to scroll to the bottom of my own page of meaningless crap, to find - well, more crap really, but you know what I mean. I've lost my thread now. I'll go home shall I? Pass my coat.
TAXI.
And another thing... none of my pics fit on this site, so I'm putting some new ones on my website if you want to see them... right, I'll do that then. Ok.


You will be pleased to hear that I will be without internet connection for a few days whilst I move house... dont all clap at once - I'm coming back.

*New pic added to web site... not even Michael Phelps would risk it.

You've obviously been kind enough to visit my profile, many many thanks for that, please feel free to say hello! Or tell me to piss off. Either way is good for me.

I am an over-excited, gibbering wreck of an idiot... some people have started to ask me ''what are you REALLY like though?'' - well, I'm really like THIS. This is all I am ... imagine if Ozzy Osbourne and Julie Walters had a lovechild? Thats me. Sad isnt it? Ooh, the kettle!! Back later...
Just imagine a bumbling, confused idiot with messy hair, tattoo's and a Midlands accent... youre almost there.

24 hours!!! Till I move out of this hellhole that has been 'home' for the past 6 months... will I miss it? Nope. Want to know why? Read my blog on my website - http://losttheplotagain.doodlekit.com/home - more photos coming soon.

You may get the impression from reading my ramblings, that I'm bitter, cynical, bad tempered etc... I'm honestly not, its just my 'humour'... honest! Well, maybe... oh I'm English... what do you expect.

Ggggrrrrr.... Im gearing up for one MAJOR rant!! Its bubbling away... and will appear soon... Youve been warned! ;-]

I dont know why I bother some days.. I just kind of stumble from one disaster to the next... I started climbing ' Mount Crap' many years ago - I think I may have finally reached its summit! Again, I have not the words. Its enough to make a pig laugh isnt it...sighhhhh. OMG, I've just had an awful thought... if THIS is the 'summit'... that can only mean that its all downhill from here-on... Oh dear heavenly christ.

Well... first my PC died, tragically, like an old star of the Silver Screen, hand on furrowed brow... it flopped down on the bed with a bottle of pills, and bid the world a breathy 'farewell...its all just...too much'.
The IDIOTS at the electric company got my moving dates wrong - HOW!? How does 'the 2nd of September' sound anything like 'the 27th of August'?? - and promptly cut off my power... my water is powered by a motor which pumps it from a well - so I lost water too... they re-connected me... after I agreed to pay a 500 dollar 'deposit and insurance' fee.... cos I'm not yet a 'full' resident... I had my elecricty and water cut off, for 24 hours, and I was charged for the 'pleasure'. Nice one. So they reconnected me - very nice of them, but then the water pump never regained consciousness... I now have to go for 5 days, bucketing water from the well in the garden. Greatttt! And now I just heard some really terrific news... the company my parents are supposed to be flying with to visit me?? Have gone bust. Yep... bust. Hoorah. Another giant step for mankind... sigh. This house is JINXED, I swear it!

My Englishness is kicking in with a vengeance tonight... I am craving tea. Very badly. 7 days remaining till I move house...
An update on my parents... along with the other things - mentioned somewhere below - my parents have now informed me that they are also bringing with them when they visit me - unwashed pearl barley - otherwise known as 'groats'. Theyre coming to one of the worlds largest growers of grain - and theyre bringing with them?? More grain. Youre starting to see a pattern now arent you?

I just added a new fact to my profile.... somewhere.
And an update on my website... re those fairy lights. And the drug den next door. I swear they saw me coming when they gave me this house.

Currently in the process of writing a new blog for the website... entitled 'My family and other animals'... it will become apparent... trust me. Theyre madder than a packet full of peanuts in a banana plantation. But I adore them.

New email address after losing everything when my PC decided to die... losttheplotagain@gmail.com
This is also the address for the website. God what a crappy day! I'm finally going to bed, at 3.55am. Sigh.
A very quick ammendment before I wrestle with the shower again... I didnt go to bed at 3.55am... the weather had kindly tampered with my clocks somehow, and it was actually 5.55am... which was a nice suprise. I spent over 9 hours fixing my laptop. My back-up laptop was no help either... I MUST remember to back up my files! You can just see now how my life is cant you? The car died too... in the rain, as usual. I did however finally manage to do my shopping, forgetting half of what I went for, including a long handled phillips screwdriver to fix my now also dead vacuum cleaner... my life is such fun, I dont have the words. And the radio is now somehow stuck on a certain local station. I have re-named their 'easy sunday listening programme' - it shall now be known, from here on, as 'top yourself sunday'. Om shanti.

Hmphh.. ok. For the curious, I have added a pic of myself on the above website... if youre on medication, its probably for the best you avoid it... you cant say I havent given you fair warning.

If I'm quiet, I'm probably writing... but I'll get back to you.

Holy jesus. Sky water. And LOTS of it. Its not going to slow, never mind stop... sigh... I cant put the shopping off any longer. All this water and my shower still trickles a fairy taking a leak. Its nothing short of a piss take. But I need coffee. Carpe diem. Wish me luck.

Oh and by the way, I'm not one of those people on here who 'collects' friends and sends invites just to get on the 'most popular users' grid - that annoys the living hell out of me. If you invite me or talk to me, I'll talk back! I have recently 'deleted' someone who does it, whats the point? Whats it prove? It proves youre a sad tosspot, thats what. Get out more... and wash once in a while. You'll make friends aplenty and wont have to beg for them! God I'm off again... sorry. I'll probably have a HUGE guilt surge and remove this in the next 5 minutes... and please, dont send me vulgar requests in 'private messages'... as much as I love a joke, I wont tolerate fools who think they can 'shock' me with childish vulgarity... if they handed out degrees in that particular subject, believe me - my walls would be full of certificates from the Univerity of Vulgar, where I have studied for many a year. And if you ARE going to do it, make sure you spell it properly.

If you lay on the ground in somebodays arms, you'll probably catch some of their history.

Well... I was going shopping tonight... I hate going shopping, but needs must... and then the weather changed. Thank GOD for 'bad' weather. I love it, I thrive on it, and whats more... I dont go shopping in it! Sod the shopping! Ahh.. now there is the threat of a full on storm... I love storms, I love the smell, the sound, the energy... I even love the powercuts that come with them. I hope its a good one. Oh god... my washing...
Ah, screw it.
Note - the coyotes in the woods opposite like storms too. This is apparrent by the way they have suddenly burst into 'song'... sleep will be a long time coming tonight.

I've added a new blog on my website... I thought I would share with you a little about the hell-hole that has been my house for the past 6 months... I escape with my sanity intact... just. And I havent even mentioned the 'disco lights' in the downstairs 'living room'.


A very kind gentleman, after reading my profile recently said this - ''Welcome to the planet, we've been waiting for you'' - I'll admit that its been a long hard struggle to get here, but i think I'm going to like it!

I've added some new pics on my website... black and white.. theres 'Homo Milk', a free competition, and one of whats on my fridge... dont look if youre easily offended, as they contain rude words.

I posted a blog about my depression on my website last night. I couldnt remember doing it till this morning... yep, I think I've lost the plot... again.


People wonder where i get my madness from... I dont. I recieved an email today, from my parents in England... asking me if I need stuffing... now to you guys that means something completely different right? But this email... is asking me if i need them to bring me baked beans and sage & onion stuffing with them when they come to visit me... I will be making further comments on this issue on my blog... my parents are madder than a box of frogs. You'll see. My father has also now added that he wishes me to get the following for him for when he gets here - one large shovel, two poles - roughly 3 inches in diameter, and several feet long - and a length of very sturdy rope. I have no clue, so dont ask. And you thought I was mad. My mother has simpler needs... some house slippers, a tube of anitbiotic cream, skimmed milk, and peanut brittle. My mother is also bringing with her, in her case - Bisto Gravy, Custard powder, and half a ton of home made jam and marmalade... I pinch the top of my nose, rub my eyebrows, and wonder what went wrong.
My father went to school in a time where very few kids in England back then could 'afford' to be in school, and had to leave at a very young age to go to work to help provide for the family...he is one of the funniest, cleverest people I know. I was also bought up in a family where 'story telling around the fire' was THE highlight of the family holiday for me... although some of it - amongst my dad and his brothers - was, in fact - just a 'who can tell the biggest lies' contest... I had a weird upbringing.

a couple of years ago, on New Years Eve... I sucked water up [or was it wine, hmm, you got me, I have no clue] through breadsticks, like straws. The breadsticks gradually got saturated, swollen and soggy... then i decided to hold water in them, as you do when you seal a straw in your mouth with your tongue, and tried to blow the water back out... just to make my niece giggle. The breadsticks exploded in a such a messy and noisy manner - they ended up splattering the walls, my niece, me, everything. My niece laughed so much she pee'd... and it was a close call for me too. Go on... I dare you... give it a go. Be a kid again. You'll learn something.

Writing writing writing... it doesnt stop... my head is like a torrent of useless crap, crashing aimlessly over a cliff with my name on it... I leave Youniverse on in the background as I write... it only encourages me. And its YOUR fault.

New Blog added to above website... I'm exhausted now.. maybe blogging will help me sleep?? Oh theres a pic of the Homo Milk too...
Actually youre probably all used to my rambling torrents of thoughts and my mental outpourings by now, but what you probably dont know is that i do - from time to time - also write some poetry etc which is on the more serious side. I'll add some at a later date. See? I CAN be serious! Just not often! I write silly poetry that makes no sense too... youve been warned.

Ive also been asked a few times about what it says on my profile pic, its the Tibetan Heart Sutra... but its in Sanskit. So what i'll do for anyone who is interested is translate it and post it on my website...

I'm giving my new Blog page a trial run... you can find it at the aforementioned address.... I hope. If its not there.. God in heaven only knows where it is... I'm also posting some pics on there... Youniverse keeps telling me my pics are all too big... so you will now find my pics at the above addy!
Hopefully.

What on earth does my Sciatic nerve think its doing?? Doesnt it realise i have ENOUGH pains in my ass already?

Has anyone ever used 'Doodlekit' to create their own Blog site? I'm 'trialling' different places... but as a complete beginner at this stuff I dont want anything too complicated for my simple brain to start with... DK seems quiet simple, and doesnt look too bad...hmmmm... maybe I should try when my brain is a little clearer.

Quite a few people now have mentioned that I should start a 'proper' blog or website... I'm not sure it would generate enough interest, but I'll give it a go... so now, as well as packing up my house, moving house, unpacking, settling in [soon] battling with my own insanity, chronic insomnia, the washing machine from hell, and my sciatic nerve suddenly deciding that it wants to cause me pain similar to that of a nuclear warhead breaking forth from the confines of my left arse cheek... I'm building a website. I may be some time.

Im still getting used to things living in Northern America, and its taking me time... i have NO idea what some things are! What the hell is 'Homo Milk' ????
Cos to be honest with you, where I come from... its something COMPLETELY different... and we cant buy it at Safeway!

Strike whilst the emotional iron is HOT!! YOU have to... and i need fish.

And when youre dancing and laughing, and finally living - hear my voice in your head and think of me kindly.... today - on top of my own insanity, insomnia, moving house, and everything else... my washing machine is making the weirdest noises... i know that it is only doing this to seek attention, so i choose purposefully to ignore it.

Washing machine update... it now sounds like an old Royal Enfield 350 Bullet motorcycle.... im STILL ignoring it. Its ALL for attention!

Free food... i had a box of All Bran Choc Chip Oatmeal and Cinnamon erm 'things' in my mailbox today... very nice. No idea where the hell they came from.

PROFILE UPDATE - Right... ive had enough! They think they can keep me down, tame me, keep me buying things i dont want or need... keep me as part of thier 'system'... but i ask you this... is food not just a basic human NEED? Am i right? I think i am.. soooo... if food is a basic human need, then cooking is too! Now, im not a huge fan of cooking as such, in fact id much rather wash the dishes, and i have a really good washing up system going that im rather quite proud of, and other people who have witnessed said regime are actually on occasion envious of... but back to the cooking... not all, but most of the stuff we eat for dinner is cooked yes?? Yes. SO... part of this 'basic human need' involves the basic human need for kitchen items. Saucepans, frying pans, cutlery, plates, dishes, and other assorted kitchenware... we NEED them.... and if its a basic human NEED, surely we shouldnt be paying for them, and also, to me they seem very depressed when you see them in the kitchenware dept, sitting there all forlorn and un-erm-chosen... so, friends, comrades, countrymen, romans, people of unknown persuasions, sexes, colours, creeds and erm everyone else... rise up! Rise up and go liberate the kitchen items!!! Seek them out and free them! We NEED them... and by god... they need us too!
And toilet paper.
AND YES..... IVE TAKEN MY MEDICATION!!!!!
One day they will drag me away, kicking and screaming... and as they take me down, i shall look them in the eye and say - '' YES! Yes I AM insane... i AM madder than a sackfull of monkeys... BUT i gave you a giggle!'
Muuuhooohahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Its a thin line between genius and insanity.... sadly im on the wrong side.

I think i may have been off on a manic episode lately... is everyone ok?? I dont think anyone noticed... ahem. Whoooooooo ok... what a ride. Sleep should come soon. Hey, imagine what i'd be like on drugs eh? Doesnt bare thinking about does it. Heh.

Thinking about clipping my profile / blog... what do you think? Hmmmm... it is getting a bit out of hand now... maybe it needs a prune!?

I'm pretty shy and probably not what youd expect at all after reading my profile... thats if you can make it through lol, you can always just skim it... miss bits out, dont let it put you off.

God my hair is wi

I dont like ignorance, arrogance, bad manners or intolerance... I love storms, honesty, integrity, good humour, wit, intelligence and kindness... if youd like to know more, please ask! I promise I dont bite! Nibble maybe... <wink>

I'm a half breed when it comes to Spirituality... half Pagan, half buddhist, but I'm only human, and I slip up a lot... be kind to my mistakes. I try, thats the main thing. Isnt it?

Video game loving, comic book collecting, gadget freak with a taste for horror books and movies... currently loving Wow, Jericho, LBP, Uncharted, online gaming, the Preacher graphic novels - religion, sex, murder, ultra-violence, john wayne, vampires, hell - whats NOT to like!? Also a huge Richard Laymon fan. RiP Dick xxx we miss you.

I love autumn, mist, fog, sunsets and sunrises, hard rain storms, loud thunderstorms, amazing lightning shows, earthy smells, book smells, coffee smells, the smell of damp moss...what do i miss about england? Hmmm... my narrowboat, my parents & family, my niece, the baked beans.... thats about it!

...oh and i also have a knowledge and understanding of poison dart frogs and have kept and successfully bred many types. I love B movies, graphic novels, comic books, books in general - i have thousands - and i'm also heavily into tattoos as you may have guessed, and have friends on the tattoo circuit, i love most types of music but white zombie / rob zombie and ermmm morrissey are my faves... good combo huh? Ooh and I'm a chili pepper 'expert'... honest! Not the band, although i do like them - but real capsacin filled chili peppers! I started keeping a record of what i grew, what succeeded, what failed, what was successfully crossed, the heat levels - according to the Scoville Chart - etc...and slowly but surely its turned into a 'bible' for chili pepper growing. Dont ask.

Photography is one of my fave things... whats another...hmmmmm... travel...obviously lol ok im rambling, as usual. Fancy a coffee? Dinner? No? Ok.

I'm also an Ipod Touch fanatic... totally addicted to podcasts at the moment!

Loving my brothers latest cd's and music projects - talented sod!

I can be as geek as they come if the mood takes me - i love video games, my laptop has a huge 'hacker' sticker on it... my fave podcast is The Totally Rad Show, i have a collection of Vince Ray t-shirts, i never travel without my laptop, psp and ipod touch, i like the bizarre, the 'weird', and the perverse... some may say I'm eccentric, or quirky... they can say what they like. I really could not care any less than I currently do...

Currently watching - Nothing. Nada. I'm too busy writing...

Howling with the coyotes.

I have very rude words all over my fridge.

And thank you to anyone who reads this and makes it through what can only be described as a hideously long and rambling pile of idiotic nonsense! You really shouldnt encourage me you know! I only get worse.

<quote> - my world is f*****g huggggggge!!! - <unquote>

I may not agree with that you say - but i will fight to the death for your right to say it. Om shanti.

Do i get a prize for having the longest, dullest profile ever?? No? How about a slap? Hate me yet? Its only a matter of time.

"Lise uses this site to spout garbage when she's not having some kind of mental breakdown. We can only hope and pray that someday she gets her act together, pisses off and leaves us all in peace!"

Oh and I have a strong 'dislike' for cheats. I will expose as many as I possibly can during my time on this earth. Cheats, liars, scammers... you have been warned. I am coming to get you. And I dont take Mastercard.
I'm onto you.
Keep north america green.
Tell 'em fuck all.

I'm not just any old arsehole. I'm THE old arsehole.